The 3 Main Components of Self Compassion

What is self compassion?

Okay, so what exactly is self compassion? Is it just a buzz word or something of real value? In the simplest of terms, self compassion is treating oneself with kindness, recognizing that we’re a part of humanity, and being mindful when negative aspects of ourselves are present. 

It’s really just being caring and understanding towards ourselves and not being a harsh critic. It’s accepting the fact that we’re not perfect (Neff, 2011). To break it down even further, self compassion has three main parts …

1. Self-kindness versus self-judgment
2. Feelings of common humanity versus isolation
3. Mindfulness versus over-identification (Neff, 2011)

Now, let’s expand on these three a bit more to drive the point home.

Self-kindness entails being nice to ourselves just as a friend would if they recognized that we were suffering. For a lot of us, it’s easy to fall into the mode of judging ourselves for our shortcomings but this is not what self compassion preaches.

Feelings of common humanity just means that we recognize that we’re not alone in our suffering, that other people feel the same inadequacies and pain that we feel. Isolation is quite the opposite. It makes us feel as though we are all alone and unique in our suffering. That there is nowhere and no one to turn to in a time of need.

Mindfulness is having a balanced perspective of one’s suffering. We recognize that it’s happening but don’t fall into rumination or obsession with oneself. It is very common for people to over-identify or get caught up in the negative story line of their suffering, however, but this is not self compassion. 

Resources for practicing self compassion

Kristin Neff, self compassion researcher extraordinaire, has many self compassion oriented practices listed on her website:

Self-compassion practices

These range from meditations to writing exercises and self touch practices. The most important caveat she explains to remember when doing these practices is to remember that these exercises are NOT meant to change how you feel. They’re meant to simply help you tolerate your negative mood states better and form a foundation for growth and transformation. She also points to an interesting phenomena called “backdraft.” Sometimes, when initially doing these exercises, one can feel worse. This is because, when our heart is open, new love goes in and old pain comes out. 

Hope you found this helpful and leave any self compassion practices you do in the comments below!

References
Neff, K. (2011). Self-Compassion, Self-Esteem, and Well-Being. Social and Personality Psychology Compass, 5 (1), 1-12, https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1751-9004.2010.00330.x

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