The Anger Iceberg: What Lies Underneath

I’ll never forget when I heard someone say, “Anger is a cloak for other emotions.” Man did that ring true with my own experience and the experiences of my clients. Anger is often thought of as a powerful emotion but really it’s often just a disguise for a less easily felt emotion. After all, it’s easier and feels better to be mad than (insert uncomfortable emotion here) doesn’t it?

Now, it’s good to experience our full range of emotions. I’m not sitting here trying to say don’t get angry. What I am saying is add a dash of curiosity to the equation when you’re feeling angry and it may help to increase your self awareness and actually melt that anger away.

Anger is often what we call a secondary emotion. This means that this is the emotion you have in reaction to a primary emotion. For example, say I was to feel sad because my boyfriend broke up with me. I would have anger as a secondary emotion if I got mad at myself for feeling weak and sad. A time when anger is a primary emotion is when someone directly violates your boundaries. Even then, though, it’s debatable because you may feel angry that you’re feeling disappointed in someone for a violating your boundaries. It’s a toss up and a little confusing to identify which emotion comes first or is the core emotion.

Here are a few helpful strategies for identifying the core emotion:

1. Meditate: really focus on any peculiar or strong bodily sensations you are having and try to ask yourself what’s causing you to feel this way. Don’t rush this process and let the answers come to you.
2. Journal: journal like there’s no one watching! But really. In order to be authentic, it’s best to not focus on being perfect, watching for grammar, or spelling. This is the time to word vomit so to speak.
3. Talk to a trusted friend/professional: be vulnerable! Talking to someone will not help if you’re holding back. Caveat being this person is trustworthy of course.
4. Get creative: expression through art, cooking, physical activity can help release some tension and get underneath the surface.

Anger is not the enemy. It’s a sign post like all of your other emotions.

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